Kelly Ann isn’t awful

This just in from Kelly Ann:

“This is a fundraiser, FYI.

http://apps.facebook.com/causes/birthdays/114053

It’s not a birthday party with gifts for me, silly — it’s a fundraiser for PlayPumps, which is a fabulous charity.

Cheers,
KAC”

So, after some investigating, it seems this is actually for a good cause.  PlayPumps mission is to bring sustainable drinking water to people in sub-Saharan Africa.  Kelly Ann’s big heart doesn’t take away from her obnoxious, “let’s celebrate the birth of moi” status updates, but she’s not as facebraggy as originally thought.  For now, at least.

Blair Waldorf, is that really you?

Well, ladies and gentlemen, it looks like we’ve found our real life Queen Bee.  I always told myself it was okay to watch and enjoy Gossip Girl because those people couldn’t possibly exist beyond the confines of a TV set.  I assumed they were the twisted machinations of uber creative Hollywood writers who deliberately tried to cram every human flaw and depraved animal instinct into a cute pair of Louboutins.  Apparently, I was wrong.

I give you, Exhibit Anbinh.

As much as I really want to lay into this vapid little trollop, a line from the Gettysburg Address comes to mind.  The great Abraham Lincoln once said:

“But, in a larger sense, we can not dedicate — we can not consecrate — we can not hallow — this ground. The brave men, living and dead, who struggled here, have consecrated it, far above our poor power to add or detract. The world will little note, nor long remember what we say here, but it can never forget what they did here.”

Clearly we’re talking apples and oranges, but little Anbinh’s updates speak for themselves, far beyond my humble ability to add or detract.  Let’s just all sit back and soak up her highly concentrated sense of entitlement and insecurity.

And would someone PLEASE tell this bitch that Manhattan neighborhood dropping is only okay if you’re trying to let friends know where you are you so can meet up, not just because you want people to know you, too, are able to navigate a near perfect grid replete with taxis on demand.

Oh, and PS – the real Blair Waldorf wouldn’t be caught DEAD in Little India, nor would she say “din din.”  Go back to Murray Hill, Anbinh.  You’re dismissed.

xoxo

Really, no one gives A-dam

Before getting started with this gem, here’s a note from Adam’s friend (we can discuss why this guy is friends with Adam later on):

“I wanted to submit a blatant facebragger — attached are screenshots of his various updates over the course of pretty much the past 24 hours. A serial offender. Apologies as I could not figure out how to black out last name or other such details.”

Buddy, the only thing you should apologize for is contributing to Adam’s presumably non-negative facebook friend count.  This is gold.  Now on to the offenses.

Admittedly I’m not the world’s biggest U2 fan, but I’m almost 100% certain they never did a song about being a complete and utter facebragging whore and generally awful human being.  Come to think of it, the only U2 song that even comes to mind is “Staring at the Sun” because reading your status updates is equally painful and debilitating while being far less interesting and gratifying.  The sun may be the source for all life on earth, and even it isn’t as full of itself as you are.

Also, we’ll soon see that Adam’s friend Jennie likes and laughs at almost everything he posts.  My guess is she gets paid.  Takers?

But your friend Travis makes a great point.  Were we to show America’s youth that doing drugs could turn them into someone like Adam, I promise you we could declare victory on the drug war by year’s end.  Sorry Nancy Reagan, I found him first!  You had your chance.

Next!

No, really, in all seriousness…dude, what is your problem?  I’m only one status update in, and I’d already rather take a beating in public and be skinned with a grapefruit spoon than spend 5 minutes with you, much less work with you.  There is no “pro.”  It’s all con, con, con.  The only pro I can see is that workdays, like many of your facebook friendships, always come to an end.

And whoever asked you for a job via linked in (wait, you’re on linked in? that’s so cool…so is everyone else!) had clearly exhausted all other options, including organ donor, experimental drug tester, and the guy who comes around emptying bedpans. Don’t be flattered…it was likely starvation in a cardboard box or ask you for a job.

Next!

There is SUCH a delicious irony in the fact that YOU have been invited to GW University to talk about public diplomacy.  Love it! I’m no expert, but I’m pretty sure bald-faced social grandstanding, even if only through status updates, isn’t one of the tactics diplomats are supposed to use.  At least that’s what we were told during the Bush years.

On a more general note, people who use facebook to announce their “keynote” and “panel” appearances should go fuck themselves.  Unless you’ve invited me to this event through facebook, why on earth does anyone care?  That’s right, they don’t.  It’s just another excuse for you to try to show off how smart, involved, or requested you are.  Judging from most of those panels, where an opinion and a pulse are the only things required to participate, I’d say you shouldn’t be so braggy about it.

And look, Jennie is back!  Someone give this girl a clue, please.

Final verdict:  Adam, whoever sent me this is a godsend.  We can only hope that you will continue to be this much of a public assbrag so we can all revel in your completely unfounded supreme sense of self.  So far, the only person I’ve run across more full of herself is Maureen Dowd, and you give that frumpy old ice-bitch a run for the money.  That’s saying something.

Douchebrag Darrell – Vol. 1

Hey, did you know Darrell is somehow connected to the Twilight castings?  Well, he is.  Granted, he could be delivering coffee and donuts to the people who actually matter, but at least he’s in the same room and keeping us all in the loop!

I’m torn on the 3rd one though because, as I’ve said before, facebook can and should be used to spread good news.  It just seems that his douchebrag personality bleeds through so much you’d rather punch him in the face than be happy for him.  And, let’s be honest, if he actually landed a record deal (Darrell, just being in the room doesn’t count), that’s pretty cool.

Let’s say…you’re a lame ass for updates 1 and 2 because they’re just so tiresome and clearly meant to show off some cool Hollywood internship/job you beat out 50 other waiters for.  The last one we’ll let slide…and congrats!

Hi, I’m a Mac. No, you’re a dick.

Hey George, that is sad.  I’m sorry your Macbook Pro isn’t feeling well.  Had you said your computer was messed up, I wouldn’t have given a damn, but since it’s your Macbook Pro, I guess I’m supposed to care.  I think I’m also supposed to find you hip, edgy, and nonconformist.  I bet you do graphic design or “creative,” don’t you?  How about skinny jeans, skinny ties, and lots of hats? You don’t do Banana Republic and Gap…that’s too mainstream.  You’re just so damn cool!

Doesn’t having a Macbook Pro just make you feel so unique and above all those HP, Dell, Toshiba toting drones?  Yeah, I bet it does.  But, like most Mac people, you’re so caught up in your own “I’m a Mac” glory you can’t tell when you’re being a dick.  Unless Apple is paying you to say that on your facebook page, stop being a brand whore.  Please.  People like you give Macs a bad name.

No, I’m not gay. Really. I’m not. Yeah, no.

Joe, you’re a hot mess, but I like something about you.  You’re clearly not concerned with what people think about you, as evidenced by your crass self-promotion and posting pics of bottle service (which is a sign you’re you’re either straight B&T or just trashy and blithely unaware).

As for the calendar, I think your friend said it best:

“It’s time to start 2010 calendar shopping. If this is what 2010 looks like, i’m going to put myself into a coma so I sleep through it!”

Joe, I’m going to be blunt…you suck at life. Your parents should demand a refund from the cosmos or something, because you’re a facebragging whore like no other.  I guess my only advice is get tested early and often, and consult your doctor when that rash finally surfaces.

Kelly Ann Strikes Back

Kelly Ann is back, reminding the world that her birthday is fast approaching.  We also got a note from her friend:

“Not only does Kelly update her status every 5 mins re: her bday, she sends those annoying personalized notes that appear in your notifications window. If I get one more notification of her bday, she’s getting voted off the friends list!”

I have a birthday wish, Kelly Ann.  For my birthday, I’d like for you fuck off.  Your whole “let’s celebrate my birthday and general awesomeness” routine may have been cute at first, but now it’s just sad, tacky, and desperate.  And everyone is over it.  Your friends also want your damn birthday reminders to stop polluting their facebook pages.  The stench of your self-adulation is overwhelming.

We get that you’re trying to do something nice for underprivileged kids (read: kids who don’t have private pools), but find another way to drum up support for your little pet cause.  Perhaps something doesn’t involve you communicating with other people. Ever.

B-A-N-A-N-A-S

From Matthew’s friend:

“You could seriously devote this entire blog to Matthew. He never disappoints us with his updates.”

Ugh, I don’t even want to bother with this guy.  I’m just going to put this here so people can laugh at your vapidity, Matthew.  Hope you had fun Europe.  It’s nice to see you and the whole continent are on a first name basis now.

Look, I have a passport, too!

Erin, what good is a status update about how great the show you’re watching is if you don’t tell us what you’re watching? Unless you’re hanging out with tarot card readers, I don’t think your friends can simply divine what channel you happened to land on. This makes your update not only braggy, but also just plain stupid. Excellent.

I’m also calling you out on the overseas reference.  Passports are easy to get and international airfare isn’t that expensive.  Lots of us have been overseas, abroad, what have you.  You’re not special for having left the country.  Traveling abroad is no longer something to wear as a badge of accomplishment and hasn’t been for a good 20 years.

And trust me, the rest of American TV didn’t miss you while you were gone, either.

“All my friends are douches”

So much to get through, let’s do these in order:

Leslie, you’re a spoiled punk.  Though we’ll all be laughing at you even more when gas prices skyrocket again and you’re paying out the nose because you had to have a car that takes premium gas.  And dagger?  Getting a call from your mom that your childhood pet died…that’s a dagger.  Finding out you need premium octane…that’s your own fault, idiot.  Who doesn’t find out that kind of information before buying a car?

Beth, you’re bragging but it’s okay.  Upgrades are awesome, and I wish them upon everyone I meet.  Have fun in the DR.

James, you, sir, are a facebragging whore.  Inasmuch as the Real World lost any sense of cache after Pedro died, bragging about those fucktards coming to your party at some lame ass DC club, or whatever Tattoo is, makes you a douchebrag.  Go back to creeping around Georgetown late night and scrounging for drunk girls who don’t know any better.  Oh, and James, if that’s your real last name…all 5 of them…you should consider picking one and going with it or getting new parents.

Donald, what the hell are you even talking about?  Is there an address in there or someone’s apartment?  And why are you talking about yourself in the third person?  Facebook got rid of the “is” on status updates just so you wouldn’t have to talk about yourself like a moron.  It also sounds like you’re trying to let us all know that you’re in Columbia, which is fine, but come on…doting over the local ingredients is a bit much.  The food may have been innovative and authentic, but your facebragging is not.

Matthew, good to see you again.  A few things are clear from your updates.  A) you haven’t the slightest clue what a comma is, B) you seem to think English, like German, requires every noun/word to be capitalized, and C) you’re a complete douchebrag.  Peel your GED magnet off the refrigerator and consider brushing up on, well, everything.

I’m just so GREat!

I’ve spent some time trying to figure this out, but I still can’t come up with a single reason why any of your friends would either want or need to know that you simply scheduled the GRE.  Had you just taken it or just gotten back your score that might be one thing.  But scheduling it?  I scheduled a haircut the other day.  Yay me!

If you want to tell everyone you’ve decided to get a Master’s degree, just do that.  It’s also a bit presumptuous to assume you’ll soon have a Master’s degree because you signed up for an exam.  I’m not saying you can’t do it, I don’t even know you, just trying to help you set expectations.

I’m pregnant…and entitled.

From Katie’s friend (subject line “Really, I’m happy for her”):

“Attached is an already-edited screen-shot. She isn’t exactly bragging, but she has the whole “i’m pregnant so i am entitled to gifts and everyone should know it” attitude. Every status post alludes to her pregnancy. I am waiting to see if she posts her baby registry link on facebook as well as her address for gift-deliveries. tacky.”

For starters, this is exactly how you should send facebrags to me!  Makes my job easier, but I’m of course happy to do the work if you don’t want to.  Just throwing it out there.

After thinking on this a bit, what’s really most offensive is how mothers-to-be have just given up on pretending not to be mooches in the extreme. In simpler times, you’d begrudgingly let a friend throw you a baby shower, insist on inexpensive, practical gifts, and then thank everyone profusely for “being so kind.”  What happened?

Today, as evidenced by Katie’s vulture of a friend Jessica, mothers seem to expect people to  buy them the “expensive” gifts because it’s “easier.”  You know, at least pan handlers have the decency to just come out and ask for money (granted, most of them probably don’t have access to facebook).  This roundabout facebook begging really has to stop, ladies.

Ideally, if you have an ounce of tact, you’ll use facebook ONCE to announce that you’re pregnant and ONCE again when the baby arrives.  That is it.  We do not need moment by moment updates about your journey into motherhood.  And don’t you DARE post the link to your registry on your facebook page.  You send that in an email to the close friends and family who have any business buying things for you.  If others want to get you something, they’ll ask you for the registry information.

Tacky. Tacky. Tacky.  And definitely facebraggy.

Happy 50th, Kelly Ann!

From Kelly Ann’s friend:

“This chick’s bday is 2 weeks away, yet she reminds people every 5 minutes, so we have no excuse not to lavish her with gifts.”

Hey Kelly Ann, when is your birthday again?  Oh, that’s right, you’ve now told us 10,000 times that it’s on August 2.  The only good thing about that date is that, like a kidney stone, it will pass. Then we can all have a break from having to hear about celebrating the blight on this planet known as vous (I speak french, too!!!).

And your chronic do-gooder friends would be better off using their money to keep people like you away from children who’ve never known the luxury of a pool party…also known as “the help,” in your world I’m sure.

I’m also willing to bet all kids would much rather have the opportunity to grow up in a stable home, go to college, and make a future for themselves.  Not frolic around in some pool drinking Cliquot with bendy straws and wallowing in their own fabulousness.  Get a grip.

I’m over you, Kelly Ann…as are your friends.  No more status updates from you that involve your birthday.  Got it?

America’s pre-op princess

Okay, so I have a general no photo rule.  The point of this site is to be relatively anonymous, as not to truly embarrass anyone beyond a very close circle of friends.  After all, that’s what makes it fun…not just mean.

That said, young Aly is here one of the most self promoting people I’ve ever run across, and she has an open profile, so I think this photo is fair game, as are her truly abhorrent status updates (read following post for more).

Clearly these people are not her friends.  If they were, they wouldn’t be lying to her about how great she looks.  Maybe it’s the hormones mandated before surgery…I’m not sure, but something is up here.  It could be the shadows, but I spot an Adam’s apple. Anyone?

Also, her update, “the pics from LA are in!” makes it sound like all of her friends are sitting around with bated breath just waiting to see her newest set of tit shots.  I doubt this is the case.  But she let us know they’re here in true facebrag form, and for that we thank her.

Pre-op part deux

Aly, Aly, Aly.  You really do make this all too easy.  I think in this case, it’s really best to let the work speak for itself.  There’s a purity of unadulterated vanity here that my commentary could only serve to upend.

But we are all very glad you won 1st place at the Red Eye Dock Bar bikini contest.  You make women across America proud…assuming you are one.